it's hard to rebel against rebels

As some of you might know, my parents are retired designers and buyers in the Fashion Industry. We're not rich by any stretch of the imagination and I'm more at home at Goodwill (my dad has worked there as well as CK and high price retailers) than I am at, let's say, Saks. Their career peak was a long time ago and I won't mince words about it as they've made it aware to me they have no regrets leaving it.

For all the perks of being in the Industry, they've ingrained in me the bad sometimes outweighs the good. If you're talented, cutthroat and hardworking you'll succeed in the industry. But you've got to maintain this facade constantly, or else you're out. No matter how much talent you've got, there will be three others that are willing to work for less or for nothing at all. This is why my parents retired, despite their positions and income.

I've loved fashion and all aspects of it for awhile now, but I'm well are that if I were to ever work in it I would not be going into it for the money. No one should, unless you've got no qualms about how you're going to get fed/live/survive in the first place. I'd have to go into it for the fun and by god I would absolutely love that. Who wouldn't? But I can't afford to and I know my parents would be disappointed in me following their path in the first place.

My parents, like many others, want me to become an Engineer, a Lawyer, a Doctor. Something prestigious and high-paying, something to respect. I'd much prefer opening up my own boutique or perhaps becoming a buyer, like my dad was for a decade or so. I would love for my parents to be proud of my decisions and my future jobs but knowing that they went through with it--they lived it--for decades and are as they are now reminds me that all good things come at a price. Sometimes you've got to choose what you need over what you want.

I still don't know how I am going to ever negotiate between them. When someone asks me what I want to be.....a buyer? Open up my own boutique? I can't quite get it off my tongue without feeling a little guilty to my parents. I don't want to grow up to be the person my parents are now. I want to be as they were.....without the price afterwards.

Maybe it's just teenage indecision, or maybe it's something more. Quite frankly, I don't want to think about it because it scares the living hell out of me. But more and more of my friends are moving on, getting jobs and making connections and well....heh. I know I have to get out there and fight for what I want and all that but sometimes you just get scared off you know?

Life scares me incredibly, sometimes.

--- on a similar note, what the hell happened to Agathe? I miss her!